He Was There: A Journey through suicide and more

THE TRUTH OF MY 2017 JOURNEY:

As many of you know...Jonathan and I, and our little dog, Tessi (we’re quite the dynamic trio!) left this beautiful view from our kitchen windows (the pic below) to step out in faith and follow the call to “sell all you can and go...NOW”. It was a radical step. We knew we looked like crazy people, but we couldn’t deny the STRONG prompting from the Lord to do it. We didn’t know exactly what we were going for, we just knew in our hearts God was sending us. 

But God knew exactly why. Little did we know what would unfold right before & after we arrived in California. Seven months later, we’re still living out of a suitcase, still taking the next step as the Lord leads, but completely blown away at the power, goodness, faithfulness and sovereignty of God!! We witnessed miracle after miracle this year! I wish I could share them all but it would fill another book! 

I’ll be honest...I NEVER, in a million dreams or nightmares, thought my life would unfold like it has. Just this year alone, we’ve experienced pain, loss and sorrow on levels I thought would destroy us. There were many moments I thought my mind and body would breakdown under the intensity. I wouldn’t wish this kind of grief on my worst enemy. Actually, truth be told, it was too much for me. I couldn’t withstand the storms of this year. This year made my 2014-2015 journey through cancer look like a trip to Disneyland. 

Thankfully, I didn’t have to navigate through the tumultuous storms of 2017 alone. All we had to do was cling to God - our omnipotent friend that sticks closer than a brother/sister. 

I held-fast to His Word and His presence and He held me close and whispered to me, “I’ve got you. You’re mine. I love you. I will not fail you. Trust me.” 

Wherever I was, and whenever my heart cried out for help, HE, the great “I AM”, showed up in power. When we got the devastating calls from our son and our daughter on May 23rd, that Austin was no longer with us...When I held my devastated daughter while she cried a cry of such pain and horror I’ve never heard (and pray I never have to again as long as I live)...The Lord, our great Shepherd, was there. 

When I sold my belongings and left the comfort of my home. When I had to say goodbye to my friends, family, doctors, students, neighbors, ministry, church, job - some that have been a part of my life for 30 years..HE was with me. 

When I took my Mother to urgent care for a sinus infection and trouble swallowing, only to have an X-Ray reveal the large mass in her lung..God’s strength and peace were present. 

When I called my precious friend Sarah to just chat, only to discover she had just gotten the news that her beautiful son, Wes, had tragically died...the Lord was there to comfort both of us. 

In the car, during my drives back and forth to my mother’s and daughter’s apartments. During sleepless nights, by my dying mother’s bedside, in the hallways (and parking lot) of the hospitals and urgent care where my mother and daughter were being attended to..HE was with me. 

When I wanted to run away and just go home to my own bed that was no longer there...When my daughter collapsed under the weight of the pain, grief and trauma she was facing...When I felt powerless to help her..He was right there, holding us in HIS arms. 

When I desperately needed the hug of my best friends but all my friends were over 2,000 miles in my rear-view mirror..HE was there. When my heart and mind could not withstand seeing the pain my mother, my husband and both of my kids were facing..all at the same time..HE was there. 

When we were misunderstood and falsely accused (behind our backs and to our faces)..HE was there. He showed up in strength and tenderness. He reminded us that they did the same to Him while he walked this earth. 

When I got the news of yet another suicide (#3 in just a matter of months) - a life-long friend and fellow minister, the Holy Spirit sustained me. Though my mind was swirling from the back-to-back traumas and tragedies, He was upholding me.

He was there in so many ways. He showed up through Darrick, who came immediately when the tragedy of the first suicide struck (even though he was facing his own heartache) and continued to be there day after day to help, pray and encourage. He showed up through our friends and family who helped us sort, sell and pack our belongings..then sent us off with a beautiful farewell, prayers, hugs and gifts. 

He spoke to me through scripture, devotional readings and worship songs. 

He showed up through “phone prayer meetings” and texts with my precious Baton Rouge sisters (Deb, Joanne, Paulette, Becky, Kathy, Sarah, Denise, Anne, Pat, Donna, Elizabeth, Leslie......) He let me know that not only was I greatly missing all my Baton Rouge peeps but that they love and missed me too...with texts, flowers, cards and thoughtful gifts in the mail. He was the voice of love and comfort on the other end of their phone calls when all I could do is cry. I could feel His healing, comforting power flowing from their hearts to mine. 

He met every need when our jobs didn’t work out and there was little to no income (don’t ask how cuz I don’t know - it was a total “loaves and fish” scenario!). 

He showed up as “the Great Physician”, through Drs. Peter Bostick and Bill May; precious friends, godly men, and incredibly brilliant doctors who were only a phone call/text away when we needed them most.

He’s shown up in so many ways and through so many people I haven’t even mentioned. There are no words to express the deep gratitude I have for these precious friends and family who have exemplified the love of Christ without even being aware of it. 

I get it - when the Apostle Paul said he had learned to be content with whatever circumstances he was in (Philippians 4). He knew that “I’ve never seen the righteous forsaken or His seed begging bread” wasn’t a theory but experiential truth. 

Like so many others, I’ve found it to be true - “my God shall supply all my needs according to His riches in Christ Jesus.” I wish I could say I was perfectly content through all of it, but nope, I haven’t arrived there..yet. I can say I found a contentment and fulfillment in the presence of Christ that is unexplainable. I am in awe of the Omniscient, loving God, who once again, has blessed above and beyond what I could ask or think. 

At 54, I can honestly concur with Oswald Chambers who said the more we surrender, trust and obey, the more He reveals His love and power and shows Himself Faithful. 

Though we fall (mess up, blow it), and I did (many times!), His mercy is right there, outstretched to help us stand back up and keep going. This “road less travelled”...the narrow path...the walk of faith, surrender, and obedience isn’t easy. But neither was the road Jesus travelled: The Via Dolorosa, and the blood-stained cross. 

Who am I to ever complain in my afflictions when the perfect lamb of God, took a road never travelled..the road from the glory of His heavenly throne to a dirty earthly manger, for the sole purpose of paying the penalty for my sin by suffering and dying in my place so that I can experience freedom from spiritual death and being birthed into spiritual life in this personal, powerful relationship with my Creator?! Wow! Take this whole world...but give me Jesus. HE alone is THE Solid Rock, a sure foundation. 

And HE has been true to me AGAIN this year - to be my unshakable, trustworthy source for healing, comfort, peace, joy, provision, protection, strength, guidance, and so much more. 

I’m forever thankful in spite of this intense journey. Though we have experienced the death of 7 precious friends and family members in the last 7 months, the Holy Spirit has brought us comfort in our grief. 

Though I’ve lost dear relationships I thought would always be there, and I had to move away from cherished Baton Rouge friends/family (that have stood by my side through it all). And though many days and nights, I’ve wept bitter tears, with ‘groans that cannot be uttered’ from overwhelming hurt and grief, He’s truly blessed me beyond measure!!

I can honestly say through the journey of 2017, I’ve experienced a new level of revelation of Christ’s power, love, presence and provision. In my weakness, His strength showed up and showed off. 

I end this year with a couple more scars from the intense battles...some still in the healing process. But they are scars I wear humbly and with gratitude because they remind me of how, only in the power of Christ, I’m still standing victorious against the harsh realities of life. 

I end this year so very thankful for my husband and kids...and that we’re all alive and healthy, and living close to one another. I also end this year with an even greater love and appreciation for the family of God - my godly friends in Baton Rouge that were always there via phone/text/mail to comfort and encourage me through it all. My friends through Facebook, California friends and family I’ve been reunited with, and new friends - I’m so thankful for all of you!!! 

I stand at the door of 2018 with eyes of awe and wonder. He has filled this sojourner’s bag with new provision for this new year...including a wonderful new friend, Victoria - an awesome woman from Hollywood who loves God and His Word with all her heart (and a 2-time ovarian cancer conqueror like me!). She barely knew us and was already standing shoulder to shoulder with us - boots on the ground! (I can’t wait for her to someday meet all my BR sisters - she’s one of us!) 

I walk out of 2017, not beaten down and broke, but whole and blessed...and so grateful. He’s done it again! The steadfast love of the Lord NEVER changes. His mercies NEVER come to an end! They are new every morning and with every new year! He is so good! 

We are entering a new season. He has already filled the path into 2018 with a beautiful new car (another miracle story!) and a wonderful place to stay in Laguna Niguel (while we rest and regroup)! 

My heart is full of anticipation - 2018 is going to be a year of multiplied blessings - above and beyond what we could ask or think. It’s going to be a year of new beginnings. A new season. A year that we “see the goodness of God in the land of the living”. A year of healing. A year with a lot more laughter and smiles. A year that we see God “restore what the canker worm has eaten”. The year my book is (finally!) published. 
And best of all...another chance to worship Him and abide in Him as only we can do (by faith) this side of heaven! 

I’m closing this year with a prayer, not for myself, but for my friends and family who have had to bury those so dear to you and have experienced tremendous heartache. I’m so sorry for your loss. May you find the peace of Christ, that surpasses understanding. May you find the strength, comfort and joy that He paid the price for you to have. May He give you the joy and ability to “laugh at the days to come” (Proverbs 31:25). May He grant you beauty for ashes and strength for fear. May He heal your broken heart and set you free from whatever holds you down. May God bless your new Year with a beautiful, deeper revelation of and relationship with your Savior and King, Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God! 

Much love and many blessings to you all and a Happy New Year!

"You crown the year with a boutiful harvest; even the hard pathways overflow with abundance." Psalm 65:11 (NLT)